online safety

the internet & sex

The internet is a wild place that can be both good and bad for queer and trans people. Online, we can meet friends and build community, learn more about ourselves and our identities, and get support whenever we need it. But we can also encounter upsetting content, post or share things that we wish we hadn't, or even be targeted by people who want to harm or take advantage of you. With the recent explosion of artificial intelligence (AI) content, we need to be more careful than ever about what we share, where we get our information from, and who we communicate with online. On this page, you can learn more about how to be as safe as possible when engaging with people in online spaces related to sex, dating, and relationships.

social media

On social media, you can make friends, learn about yourself and your community, and follow creators who have similar experiences or identities to yours. Especially if you don't yet have a safe space to be yourself in person, online communities can be a great way to express yourself freely and meet connections with people who affirm your identity. But social media can also be damaging for LGBTQ+ youth. Enter online communities with care and intention; make sure the space is what you want it to be before you engage with it too much. Some online spaces can seem like they are positive places for queer or trans people, but are actually full of stigmatizing language and can cause you to feel worse about yourself and your identities — like on 4chan LGBTQ boards, for example. When you're using social media, here are some things to keep in mind.

social media pros

following lgbtq+ creators
learning about different topics (like sex ed!) from expert creators
sharing your interests
making friends and finding queer community
expressing yourself authentically
being a source of representation and inspiration to others

social media cons

seeing hate speech or other upsetting content
cyberbullying
being outed online without your consent or having other public information shared (aka doxxing)
sexual exploitation by others online, especially by people older than you (aka grooming)

what to do and what not to do on social media

what not to do:

share personal information with people you don't know online
post content that you wouldn't want a parent or future employer to see
engage with hateful content
replace in person interactions with online relationships
private message with people whose identities you can't confirm

what to do:

keep your accounts set to private, especially if you are under 18
change your passwords regularly
block people whose content you don't like
report posts or comments that are rude, hateful, or promote anti-queer or anti-trans ideology
limit your screen time

Talk to a trusted adult if you feel uncomfortable with something that you've encountered online, whether it's a post that upset you, odd direct messages, cyberbullying, or something else.

online dating

Making friends online is pretty normal nowadays, and so is finding a romantic or sexual partner online. There are even lots of queer-specific dating apps now, like Grindr (for queer men), HER (for sapphics), Taimi (for all LGBTQ+ people), and Feeld (for kinky and non-monogamous relationships). Dating apps like these, along with other mainstream apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble can make dating feel like it's just a fun game. Dating should be fun, of course, but it's not a game; your physical and emotional wellbeing can be impacted by what happens when you're dating. If you're thinking about downloading a dating app, ask yourself why. Do you want a relationship? Do you want validation that you are attractive to other people? Do you feel like it's too difficult to get what you need from a relationship in person? While there isn't anything wrong with online dating, it should always be entered into with caution and an understanding of what you're trying to get from the experience.

Remember, online dating apps are only for use by people who are 18 and older. If you are under 18 and you are putting yourself on dating apps, you are both violating the terms of service of the app, which can get you banned for life, and potentially opening yourself up to sexual exploitation. If you are 18 or over, here are some tips for online dating and hookup safety.

tips for safe online dating

Make your dating profile honest and intentional. Share photos that show you as your authentic self, state what you are looking for out of a relationship, and consider including your identities in your profile. Don't overshare, though! Make sure you are protecting your privacy too.
Gauge their comfort with your identities as soon as possible. Although the person you're talking to might also identify as queer, that doesn't mean they'll be on the same page as you about your identities, especially if you are bisexual, on the asexual or aromantic spectrum, or are transgender or gender diverse. It's a good idea to fully come out to someone before meeting them in person so they won't be surprised.
Communicate your boundaries and desires early on. If you have a strong desire for certain relationship dynamics, topics that are off limits, or activities you will or will not engage in (sexual or not), let your potential partner know.
Keep all of the messages you send and receive with a new connection in case you need to reference them later on for any reason.
Don't be afraid to make the first move. If you see someone you're interested in talking to, send them a message — someone's gotta do it! Share a compliment based on their photos or profile, ask a question about them, or tell them something interesting about you, and hopefully the conversation will take off.
Be aware of romance scams and catfishing. If things are moving too fast, they ask you to send them money, they pressure you not to tell anyone else about your relationships, or they make excuses for why they can't call or video chat, they might be trying to scam you. Most importantly, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. End the conversation and move on.
Look up who you're talking to. It might feel a little creepy, but doing a quick search of someone you're talking to on a search engine or social media can help confirm that they're real and who they say they are.
Video chat before meeting up in person. Seeing someone face-to-face is the best way to confirm that they are real and who they say they are, and it can also help break the ice, since you've already have talked to them before meeting.
If you're going to meet up with someone in person:
- Choose a public location, like a coffee shop or restaurant, so you won't be stuck alone with someone you don't know yet
- Tell at least one other person when and where you are going. Share your location if you are able.
- Make a plan for what you'll do if the date goes sideways, whether you just want to leave early or if you feel unsafe. Don't be caught in an uncomfortable moment without having thought about what to do first.
- It's easy to misrepresent how you look and who you are online. If the person you're meeting doesn't look the same as they did in their photos, you can ask them about it, and if you don't like their answer, leave!

sexting

Sexting is just what it sounds like; sharing sexual content via text or direct message. This could be sexy messages you write back and forth with a partner, sexually explicit photos of you, or sharing sexual content you enjoyed with someone else. Some teenagers like to sext because it's fun or pleasurable for them, and it can feel like a safer way to engage in sexual behavior without physical contact. Sexting is risky in other ways, though; while you might feel like it's not a big deal, once you send a message, you can't get it back. If someone decides to share your nude photos, they could be seen by anyone, including your peers, parents, and strangers. You could even risk being charged with a crime for sharing sexual images of minors.

The safest way to sext? Just don't do it. But if you are going to sext, here are some steps you can take to make it safer.

Wait until you're over 18. Possessing naked photos of someone under 18, including yourself, is considered child pornography. In the worst case scenarios, you could be arrested and charged with a felony for possessing or distributing these images.
Send sexy and flirty written messages instead of photos. It's much safer to send texts than photos or videos, and you can still have fun doing it.
Only share photos with someone you are in a trusting, healthy relationship with. If you don't know someone well, if you don't fully trust them, or if your relationship is a bit rocky, just don't send.
Agree on what you'll do with messages before you send them. It's best to delete any nude images you send or receive right away to protect everyone involved. But if that's not happening, you can at least decide with your partner that you'll delete them after an amount of time, or if you break up.
Get consent before sending. Never send nude photos to someone without making sure they want to receive them.
Avoid sharing identifiable features. Don't include your face in naked photos. If you have tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, or other identifiable attributes, cover them or crop them out.
Make sure your background isn't recognizable. Try to take pictures away from anything that could identify you, like posters on your wall, your computer screen, or objects in your room.
Use a disappearing messaging service like Snapchat. Some apps will only show someone a photo or message for a limited amount of time, and will notify you if someone takes a screenshot. While that doesn't stop someone from saving and potentially sharing your image, it at least keeps you aware of their actions.
Never share an image that someone else sent you. It's a huge violation to share someone else's private nude photos, not to mention it's illegal. If someone else forwards you a nude photo from a third party, delete it immediately, tell them to stop, and report what happened to a trusted adult so they can help.

revenge porn & sextortion

Sometimes, people can be pressured to send sexual messages, especially photos or videos of themselves. You could also be sent sexual messages or images without your consent; this is a huge problem on a lot of dating apps. Sextortion is when someone blackmails you by threatening to leak your nude photos or videos unless you do something for them; that could be giving them money, engaging in other sexual activity with them, or even just continuing a relationship with them when you are no longer interested. Revenge porn, also known as nonconsensual porn or nonconsensual intimate images (NCII), is when someone shares nude photos without the consent of the person pictured, often after a breakup.

If someone is pressuring you to sext, here's what to do:

Tell them to stop. Let them know that you don't want to send what they are asking for, and tell them how it's making you feel. If they don't respect that, it's even more clear that they're not someone you should trust with nude photos.
Report or block them. If you're messaging with someone online, you may be able to block their account or phone number so they can't contact you that way anymore. You can also report them if you're on a social media site so they won't be able to use that account to harass someone again in the future.
Talk to someone you trust for support. Getting pressured to sext can be uncomfortable, confusing, and scary. If you don't know what to do in the moment, talk to a friend or trusted adult for advice on how to get the person to stop, and lean on them for support afterwards if you need it.
Save evidence. If someone continue to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do, including sending nude photos, take screenshots of any messages they have sent in case you wind up having to report them.

If you think you or someone you know is being extorted to send sexual content, Stop Sextortion can help. If someone is sharing images or videos of you without your consent, Take It Down can help if you are under 18, and Stop NCII can help if you are over 18. No matter what, if you are in a frightening situation related to sexting, talk to a trusted adult as soon as possible so they can help you navigate what to do next.

pornography

Pornography, or porn for short, is a type of media that depicts naked people or sexual activity, either through photos, videos, or writing. A lot of people, including teenagers, like to view porn for sexual pleasure, though you technically have to be 18 to do so. People often look at porn while they masturbate, but the porn people like to look at isn't always what they would actually want in real life. While there's nothing wrong with wanting to look at sexual media, it's important to remember that porn is for entertainment, not education. Most of what you see depicted in porn is just not realistic. For queer and trans people especially, it's very rare to see realistic depictions of the kinds of sex, relationships, and bodies we have in porn. That means that if you learn about sex mainly from porn, you're not going to have a good understanding of what might really happen when you go to engage in sexual activity.

If you want to interact with porn in the most thoughtful and critical way possible, it's helpful to examine what messages you might be getting from porn, and to understand why and how you want to use it. Ask yourself the following:

Why do I want to engage with porn? How does it make me feel while I'm engaging with it?
Who made this content? Who was it made for?
How was this content made and distributed?
What messages is this content sending about sex, bodies, relationships, consent, queerness, gender, race, etc.?
Does this content align with my personal values?
How do I feel after I engage with porn?

how porn gets it wrong

Let's debunk some misconceptions that people often have because of how sex is commonly depicted in porn.

Everything goes perfectly all the time in porn. In real life, sex is messy and sometimes awkward. Sometimes during sexual activity our bodies make noises that we can't control, there are weird smells, or someone needs to take a pee break. All of that's okay and normal, and if you have a good relationship with the person you're having sex with, you should be able to laugh about it!
Everyone is immediately prepared in porn. Actually, most sexual activity takes some prep work. In porn, we rarely see people putting on a condom, preparing for anal sex by using an enema, or using lube. We also rarely get to see foreplay depicted in porn; actors are often fully erect or wet instantly, when in reality, it can take a while to be physically aroused.
Most sex depicted in porn involves penetration. While penetration can be a part of your sex life if you desire it, there are tons of other ways to engage in fulfilling sexual activity.
Orgasms are depicted as the most important part of sex. In real life, orgasms can be awesome, but they're only one way to experience pleasure.
Porn often only depicts certain types of bodies as sexually desirable. Most porn actors have extremely large penises or breasts, no visible body hair, and surgically altered bodies. In the real world, people with all different kinds of bodies can be attractive to others. You don't have to change your body to be sexually desirable!
Violence and a lack of clear consent are depicted as normal. Porn rarely depicts actors asking for and giving consent, and at times porn even intentionally depicts non-consensual sex acts in a positive way. A lot of porn also normalizes violent or aggressive behaviors during sex, like slapping, choking, or spitting on a sexual partner.
The way people in porn talk to each other and sound in porn is exaggerated. When there is dialogue in porn, it's usually cringe-inducing with how unrealistic and forced it is. Porn actors also over exaggerate the sounds they make during sex; in reality, very few people moan or make noises the way that porn shows. If you're having sex, don't force yourself to make sounds because you think that's what your partner wants; just let it come naturally!
Men's pleasure is centered in porn. If you're engaging in sexual activity with a man, whether you're a man or not, porn could make you think that sex is all about making men feel good and have orgasms. In reality, the pleasure of everyone involved should be considered, and if at any time someone is no longer feeling good about what's going on, it's time to stop.
In porn, women only have sex with other women to arouse men. Even in "lesbian" porn categories, the content is usually made for a straight male audience. Porn doesn't usually show the ways that women actually engage in sexual activity with each other.
Gender roles and stereotypes are enforced in porn, even gay porn. Porn is an exaggerated version of the real world, so it makes sense that stereotypes would also be exaggerated in porn. Usually, men are dominant and women are submissive, or in queer porn, a "more masculine" partner is dominant while a "more feminine" partner is submissive. In the real world, anyone regardless of gender expression or identity can fulfill any sexual role they want.

finding sexual media

If you want to be able to consume sexual media, but you want to avoid as many of the not-so-great tropes we discussed above as possible, there are ways to find ethical porn! Most people are familiar with free online porn, which is the kind of porn that's all over the internet, available for free with virtually no constraints. But it's impossible to verify that free online porn is being made ethically; we don't know if the actors have consented to being in the scene or to its distribution, how people have been compensated for their involvement, or what the working conditions were like on set. If you want to find ethical porn, here's how you can do so.

Go directly to the source. You can support independent creators on sites like OnlyFans to ensure that they are being paid and consent to what they are sharing.
Use ethical porn sites and studios. Some studios and websites prioritize creating and sharing only porn that is ethically made, and there are many that are made specifically by and for queer and trans people.
Get recommendations from a trusted source. Follow queer and trans creators online who share and recommend ethical porn, read articles from sites like Autostraddle or Them that list creators or ethical queer and trans porn, or talk to your friends about how they're getting their sexual media.
Go old-school. Before it was easy to share pictures and videos on the internet, people created erotic art, magazines, graphic novels, and more to fulfill their pleasure needs.
Check out erotica. Written porn, often called erotica or "smut", is a way to engage with porn and sexual fantasies without any potential exploitation of others. Archive of Our Own and Wattpad are two of the most common sites where people go to write and read fanfiction and erotica.

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