pleasure & arousal

pleasure

The World Association for Sexual Health defines sexual pleasure as the enjoyment and satisfaction you get from any kind of sexual or erotic experience, either solitary or partnered. Pleasure is about more than just good physical feelings, though. It's also the positive emotional feelings we get from engaging in fulfilling sexual activity, like the connection and closeness we can feel with a partner.

Pleasure is subjective. What is pleasurable to you might not be to someone else. You also might get pleasure from something at times, but not at others. If you're having a hard time feeling pleasure, spend time exploring, either on your own or with a partner, to see what feels good to you physically and mentally. Engaging with sensuality, or physical pleasure, and intimacy, or emotional closeness, can help you learn what is pleasurable to you.

It is totally normal to want to feel pleasure; after all, pleasure is one of our primary motivators to engage in sexual activity! Still, most sex education doesn't really talk about pleasure. Not here! Let's learn more about pleasure so that you and your partner(s) can get all of the benefits of feeling great about enjoying sex.

the benefits of pleasure

Experiencing sexual pleasure has so many benefits. These are just a few:

improved mood
lower stress
better sleep
improved brain function
pain reduction
improved immune system
improved sexual function

Source: Gianotten, Alley, & Diamond. (2021). The Health Benefits of Sexual Expression. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2021.1966564

hear more from queer & trans adults:

Why is it important for us to acknowledge pleasure in sex education?

sensory pleasure

How can we access feelings of pleasure? Like we mentioned above, pleasure is both physical and mental. Our bodies may react with pleasure to input from any of our senses; that's how we are able to perceive and make sense of the world. But pleasure isn't just sexual; we feel pleasure all the time, in all different ways. Let's explore some ways that you might feel pleasure from each of your senses, both sexual and non-sexual.

Sight
- Non-sexual: Looking at a beautiful view; going to an art museum; watching the flowers bloom in the spring
- Sexual: Looking at someone's body who we find attractive; watching porn; reading erotica
Sound
- Non-sexual: Listening to music; hearing birdsong; listening to ASMR videos
- Sexual: Hearing someone's voice who you have feelings for; vocalizations during sexual activity; listening to audio erotica
Smell
- Non-sexual: Smelling freshly baked cookies; the scent of freshly cut grass; walking outside after it rains and smelling the petrichor
- Sexual: Smelling your partner's perfume or cologne; the scent of a partner's arousal; lighting a candle during sensual experiences
Taste
- Non-sexual: Eating your favorite food; tasting something unexpectedly delicious; having a cold drink on a hot day
- Sexual: Kissing a partner; performing oral sex on a partner; eating foods that are considered aphrodisiacs like chocolate, oysters, or watermelon
Touch
- Non-sexual: Getting massaged; being hugged; scratching an itch
- Sexual: Touching a partner's skin; kissing; stimulating an erogenous zone

Click here to download this worksheet so you can fill it out or print it to write in it!

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physical intimacy

Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connection in an interpersonal relationship. There are many types of intimacy, including physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual. Here we'll talk more about physical intimacy, and you can read more about other kinds of intimacy on our relationships page.

Physical intimacy isn't just about having sex. We can be physically intimate by engaging in any kind of touch with another person. Touching does not have to be sexual. Do you like to hug, hold hands, cuddle, or kiss? Like sexual pleasure, touch has lots of benefits. Touch can calm your body, reduce cortisol and raise oxytocin levels, lower your heart rate and blood pressure, and reduce pain and feelings of isolation.

You might be okay with touching only in some situations, in specific ways, or with certain people. That's okay! It's a good thing to know when and how you do and do not like to be touched so you can establish and communicate what your boundaries around your physical self are. Most people enjoy being touched by others to some degree, but it's okay if that's not your thing — there are lots of other ways to be intimate with people!

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In what ways do you desire touch?

erogenous zones

Erogenous zones are places on the body that you can touch to stimulate pleasure. Not every erogenous zone will feel good to every person, so you can explore what feels best to you, either on your own or with a partner.

Possible erogenous zones for all bodies:

scalp
mouth & lips
neck
ears
nipples, areolas, & breasts/chest
wrists
inner elbows
back, especially the small of your back
navel & lower stomach
anus and perineum
backs of knees
feet & toes

arousal & desire

physically wanting to have sex or engage in sexual activity

arousal:

emotionally wanting to have sex or engage in sexual activity

desire:

It’s okay if you don’t experience desire or arousal, if it seems like you experience more or less desire or arousal than other people, or if you experience desire or arousal and you don’t want to.

What actually happens when we get “turned on” or “horny”,
if we're on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or not?

for people with vulvas who are not on HRT

Your pulse and heartbeat quicken, and your blood pressure rises.
Your blood vessels dilate, including blood vessels to the genitals.
Your vagina and vulva might become wet to help lubricate the genitals.
Parts of your vulva, such as the labia (lips) and clitoris, become swollen due to the increased blood supply.
Your vaginal canal might expand.
Your breasts become fuller, and your nipples may become erect.
Orgasms can last on average 20 seconds longer than they do for people with penises.

for people with penises who are not on HRT

Heart rate and breathing speed up
Your blood pressure increases
Increased blood flow to the genitals causes an erection
Penis and testicles increase in size
Orgasms can be wet or dry — semen can shoot out or dribble.
Multiple orgasms might also be possible for some people.
After orgasm, your erection gradually subsides, your muscles relax, and you feel drowsy and relaxed.

what changes for people who are on HRT?

Remember, the changes that come from HRT are different for everyone, and changes may come at different times for you than others. These are some of the changes that may occur. If you have more questions about how your experiences of arousal might change on HRT, talk to your HRT provider.

for transmasculine people:

More frequent arousal
Clitoris growth (aka bottom growth)
- The clitoris can grow significantly if you go on testosterone, and some people see changes start in the first few days they start HRT. It may continue to grow and change for many years.
- The clitoris is made of erectile tissue, so you will (continue to) get erections. With bottom growth, this can be more noticeable.
Decrease in vaginal wetness
- Some transmasculine people experience increased wetness externally but decreased wetness internally.
Thinning of the tissue inside and around the vagina
Different sensations when orgasming
- Orgasms may be shorter
- Pleasure might feel more concentrated in the genitals

for transfeminine people:

Less frequent arousal
Penis and testicles get smaller
Less spontaneous erections
Erections may be less hard, or you may not become erect at all
Different sensations when orgasming
- Orgasms may last longer
- May be able to have multiple orgasms
- Lower volume of ejaculate; may have completely dry orgasms
You may experience pain in your penis or testicles
- If this happens, talk to a doctor; this is a common experience for many transfeminine people, but you do not have to live with pain! Some trans women suggest that getting "maintenance erections" at least once a week can be helpful for reducing pain.

the sexual response cycle

The sexual response cycle is a simplified way for us to understand what happens when we engage in sexual activity and get aroused.

Excitement: physical arousal begins
Plateau: arousal continues to increase

Breathing & heart rate quicken
Vocalizing like moaning

Orgasm: pleasure peaks & sexual tension releases

More on this next!

Resolution: return to "normal"

Muscles relax and your blood pressure drops.
You might feel particularly sensitive or painful to touch.

Image source: Lumen Learning

But the sexual response cycle is overly simplified.

What actually happens during sexual arousal and activity is far more complicated. The original sexual response cycle is very linear, which isn't how most actual sexual activity progresses. It also only shows us what happens physically, and it doesn't consider emotional factors.

In this model, the arrows flow in both directions. Instead of depicting sexual response as linear, we acknowledge that even during a single sexual encounter, arousal may fluctuate, motivation for sex can come before or after arousal, and orgasms are not always the “end goal”, since many people engage in sexual activity and are satisfied without orgasming. Try thinking about the questions included below to better understand your own sexual responses.

orgasms

The orgasm stage is often considered the end goal of sexual activity, but like we mentioned above, it doesn’t have to be! It’s totally possible to have pleasurable sex without reaching orgasm. Still, orgasms are a big part of why people engage with sexual activity, since they feel really good!

What is an orgasm?
Orgasms are the "climactic" moment of sexual activity, where physical and mental pleasure peaks. During an orgasm, you may experience muscular convulsions, especially in the lower back and pelvic area, and feelings of euphoria and pleasure. You may ejaculate, regardless of your anatomy; while ejaculation is more common for people with penises, people with vulvas may ejaculate too, especially if their g-spot is being stimulated.

After an orgasm, you might experience a refractory period, during which you won’t be able to orgasm again. Some people experience multiple orgasms, but that’s not necessary for you to have a pleasurable sexual experience.

why do I feel bad after an orgasm?

Sometimes after having an orgasm you might feel more focused or mentally clear; you could also feel kind of grossed out or bad. There's a slang term for that — "post-nut clarity". These feelings happen because after an orgasm, your dopamine levels drop, and your arousal might disappear completely. If you find yourself feeling this way, try to be kind to yourself, and take some time to calm down.

If you had an orgasm with a partner, you might want to be physically close to them, or alternatively, you might need some time to yourself. Try to communicate with your partner about what you need; ask them if you want a cuddle, or let them know you need a bathroom break.

If you had an orgasm on your own, those bad feelings might latch on to what you did, watched, or looked at to reach orgasm. It might help to step away from where you physically were, put away any supplies you used, and close out whatever you were looking at. If these bad feelings persist and regularly bother you, try to think about where they are coming from:

Are you feeling shame because of the opinions or expectations of other people?
Do you think anything about your sexual behaviors is actually wrong or problematic? Are they hurting anyone?
Is there anything you want to change about your sexual habits that could help you feel better?
Would talking to a supportive adult like a therapist or a friend about your feelings help you process them?

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