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queer sex
what is queer sex?
Hopefully by this point, you've already learned a lot about sex on this site. But you've probably also been wondering when we were going to get into the details of how it all goes down. The cool part is that there's no clear answer — queer people engage in sexual activity in all kinds of different ways, so queer sex is any sex that queer people have! On this page, you'll be able to learn more about the reality of sex of all kinds, no matter what your identity, body, or relationship with your partner(s) are.
masturbation
Masturbation is the act of stimulating yourself in order to feel sexual pleasure, either with or without orgasm. Masturbation can and should feel good, and it has lots of other benefits, like helping you relieve sexual tension and stress, sleeping better, and improving your self esteem and body image.
Pleasuring yourself is totally normal, and there's nothing wrong with it at all, despite how some people might try to make you feel. The reality is, almost everyone masturbates; data from the National Survey of Sexual Health Behavior shows that over 90% of men and 80% of women have masturbated in their lifetime. Even people who have partners masturbate. It's a safe way to experience sexual pleasure, and it's often the first step to better understanding your body, your desires, and what you might want to do with a partner.
Usually, when someone masturbates, they engage with some kind of sexual fantasy or content that is arousing to them, such as:
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Fantasy: mental imagery (may be of sexual activity or not) that arouses someone; most people fantasize about all kinds of things, including things they would AND would not want to do in real life.
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Pornography: explicit sexual content; usually photos or videos.
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Erotica: explicit sexual content in written form; you might encounter this a lot in fanfic spaces.
Learn more about pornography and erotica on our online safety page.
masturbation tips
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Wash your hands before and after masturbating. If you use sex toys, make sure to wash them before and after, too.
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While there's nothing at all wrong with masturbating, it is a private activity. Don't masturbate in public spaces, or anywhere someone else could see or hear you. If you want to masturbate, try to find a private location, like your bedroom or bathroom, where you can lock the door.
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If you do get caught masturbating, it might be embarrassing, but remember that almost everyone does it. As long as you've done your best to keep it private, try to shrug it off and move on. If you feel like it needs to be acknowledged, a quick "sorry" should do the trick.
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There's no right or wrong way to masturbate, as long as you're not engaging in anything illegal or potentially harmful to someone else. You can try touching yourself in different ways to see what feels best to you. Masturbation can help you figure out what you like and how you can have an orgasm, which could then improve your sexual encounter with partners.
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There's also no right or wrong amount of masturbation. At times, you may feel compelled to masturbate more, and at others you may be less interested. Unless you are masturbating so often that it interferes with your daily life, it's okay to do when you feel like it, even if that's multiple times a day.
partnered sex
When we talk about "sex", a lot of our minds might go immediately to penetrative sex. But there are so many possibilities for how you could engage in sexual activity with another person, especially for queer folks. Let's explore some of the ways that queer and trans people can engage in partnered sex. Remember, this doesn't cover everything — you can get creative to figure out what feels good and excites you and your sexual partners.
kissing
Kissing is one of the most common ways people express affection for each other. Try kissing on the lips, using your tongues, or kissing sensitive spots on your partner.
touching
Touching your partner can be intensely pleasurable, and it's a great way to get intimate. Try giving or receiving a massage, gently stroking your partner's skin, or playing with their hair.
outercourse
Outercourse involves rubbing your body against your partner's body without penetration, usually with clothes on. Also called "dry humping" or "grinding".
mutual masturbation
Masturbating with another person who is also masturbating; a great way to feel pleasure and potentially have an orgasm with low risk of STI transmission or pregnancy.
manual sex
Sexual activity using the hands or fingers. When done to a penis, often called a "hand job". "Fingering" refers to inserting fingers into the vagina or anus, or stimulating the clitoris.
oral sex
Using the mouth to give pleasure to someone's genitals or anus. When done to a penis, often called a "blow job"; when done to a vulva, often called "eating out"; when done to the anus, often called "rimming".
PIV intercourse
"PIV" stands for penis in vagina, so PIV intercourse refers to penetrative sex where someone puts their penis into another person's vagina.
anal sex
Penetrative sex in which someone puts their penis into another person's anus. Because the anus is not self lubricating, it's very important to use lubricant.
strap-on
penetration
Penetrative sex where someone uses a "strap on" harness with a dildo or other sex toy attached to penetrate their partner. Might be used when the penetrating partner does not have a penis.
tribbing & scissoring
Tribbing is rubbing your genitals against another person's body. Scissoring specifically refers to rubbing you and your partner's genitals together; most commonly between two people with vulvas.
docking
Docking is a type of mutual masturbation that involves the insertion of one person’s penis into their partner's foreskin.
muffing
Muffing involves the penetration of the inguinal canals. Popularized by trans women, one person can stimulate the sensitive nerves of the small cavities where the testicles descend from, usually with their fingers.
sex with or as a trans person
If you're trans, or if you are thinking about engaging in sexual activity with someone who's trans, you might be wondering what you need to know about having sex with a trans person. Thankfully, it's not all that different from having sex with a cisgender person. While a trans person might have some parts of their body that are a bit different from a cisgender person, or use different words to describe parts of themself, trans people want the same things as anyone else might when they're engaging in sexual activity — to feel good, to be closer to their partner(s), to have fun, and maybe even to make a baby.
Important things to remember when you're having sex with or as a trans person:
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Communicate! Tell your partner what you like and what feels good to you, and ask them in return. The only way you'll know what someone likes and doesn't like is by talking to them about it. Otherwise, you're just guessing.
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Language: What words do you prefer to use to describe parts of your body? Some trans folks are fine with anatomical language, while others prefer to use slang terms, or avoid mentioning certain parts altogether.
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Go & don't go zones: Some trans folks might have parts of their body that they prefer not to have touched, or that they only like to be touched in certain ways.
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Attire: Some trans folks might feel more comfortable wearing things during sex, like underwear that makes them feel sexy, or a shirt if there are parts of their body they'd rather not have exposed.
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Changing bodies: For trans folks who have gender affirming hormone therapy or surgery, their bodies will change, and what feels good to them during sex will change too. Have regular check-ins with your partner to see if what's felt good to them in the past is still working, or if you need to try some new techniques.
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New positions and styles: Different ways of having sex might feel more or less affirming to a trans person. Try experimenting with different positions, toys, sensory experiences, and more to see what works best for you.
more resources on trans sex
sex toys & prosthetics
Sex toys are sexual aids made specially to help people feel pleasure. They can be used alone or with partners. There are also special aids for transgender people, sometimes called prosthetics, that can be used to make trans folks feel less dysphoria and more euphoria during sex. You don't have to use sex toys if you don't want to, but there are lots of options for anyone who might be interested in experimenting with them.
You can buy sex toys from special adult shops or online, though you usually have to be 18 to enter or complete a purchase. Some pharmacies and big box stores also carry certain sex toys, like vibrators, usually stocked near the condoms and lubricants. Most online sex toy stores utilize discreet shipping. There are even LGBTQ+ specific sex shops, both in person and online, that might have a better selection of toys for queer people to use, especially if you are looking for realistic prosthetics.
types of sex toys
There are innumerable options when it comes to what's available in the world of sex toys. Some of the most common kinds of sex toys can include dildos, vibrators, anal toys, sleeves, rings, pumps, and strap ons. Click each picture below to learn more about different types of sex toys.
dildos & harnesses
sleeves & strokers
vibrators &
suction toys
rings
anal toys
pumps
using sex toys safely
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Clean your sex toys with soap and water before and after every time you use them.
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Sex toys can spread STIs if they are shared amongst people. If you are sharing sex toys, make sure to wash them thoroughly between each person's use. You can also use condoms on your sex toys to avoid spreading germs between people.
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Use lubrication when you're using sex toys, especially if you are inserting anything into your body. Water-based lubricants are the safest; silicon & oil based lubricants can also be used but may damage toys, condoms, or cause vaginal irritation.
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If you are using a sex toy in your anus, make sure that it has a wide base so it can't go all the way inside you and get lost. If it does, you might have to have a medical professional help you get it out, and nobody wants that.
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Avoid DIYing sex toys. While it might seem tempting to use an object you have at home, using something that isn't designed to be used as a sex toy could hurt you.
alternative & kinky sexuality
We've already covered that it's perfectly natural and normal to be curious about sex, even at a young age. Similarly, it's natural to be curious about alternative sexualities such as kink, especially if you're coming across references to kink online and in popular media. However, a lot of what is out there about alternative sexuality and kink isn't accurate, and can even lead to harm. Let's learn more so you know what's what.
What is alternative sexuality? What is kink?
"Alternative" just means another option, so alternative sexuality and kink are another option for how some people like to engage with sexual activity. What it means to be kinky is totally subjective; that means that it can be different for each person. Generally, though, when people talk about kink, they are talking about any way that someone might engage in sexual activity that is outside of "the norm", or in ways that are more creative. Sometimes people who are into kinky sex refer to the opposite as "vanilla". There is nothing wrong with having a preference for either vanilla or kinky sex, as long as everyone involved consents to the activities you're engaging in.
some common aspects of kink
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Sensation play: the giving and receiving of sensory stimulation designed to impact the body, mind and/or emotions
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Power exchange: the formal giving and taking of erotic and sexual control
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Role play: sexual play in which fantasy roles are undertaken, often with power, gender, identity, and other dimensions, possibly alongside attire and props.
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Bondage and restraint: restraining someone with your hands, rope, or other toys.
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Fetish: a sexual interest in objects, like a body part or accessory. Fetishes can range from highly specific fixations on a particular object to mild preferences. Some common fetishes include feet, high heels, leather, and latex. If it exists, there's probably someone who has a fetish for it.
what is BDSM?
BDSM, one of the most common types of kinky relationships, is an acronym that stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. Consensual power exchange is the basis of BDSM interactions. Power exchange is what happens after discussion and negotiation, where one person agrees to submit to specific activities and another agrees to be in control for a certain period of time. Generally, there is at least one dominant (Dom) and one submissive (Sub) in a BDSM relationship. Sometimes people switch between these roles.
BDSM relationships use things like contracts and safe words to ensure that everyone involved is safe, consenting, and comfortable. Communication must take place before, during, and after to ensure consent.
am I ready for sex?
With everything you now know about sexuality, you may be wondering how to know if you're ready to have sex, and what kinds of sex you might want to try. Use the following guided activity to help you think through if you're ready to have sex, and how.
For more help figuring out if you're ready for sex and what kinds of sexual activity you want to engage in, click the button to check out these guides from Scarleteen.