coming out

what is coming out?

Coming out is the process of realizing, accepting, and sharing your sexual orientation and/or gender identity with yourself and others. It's not a one time thing. Though you might have an initial "coming out" to some of the most important people to you, like your parents or best friends, you'll probably have coming out experiences throughout your whole life.

There are several stages of coming out, and not everyone will go through every stage at the same time, in the same order, or with the same outcomes. If you are in the process of coming out, which of the following do you feel most aligned with?

I feel different than my peers.
I think I might be queer/trans, but I'm not sure.
I know that I'm queer/trans, but I have to figure out how & when to tell people.
I'm telling the important people in my life that I am queer/trans.
I'm out to the important people in my life, and I only have to come out to new people I meet, including potential partners.

am I ready to come out?

If you've started to figure out your identity, there's a good chance you've started to think about coming out. Before you decide to come out, it's a good idea to make sure you've fully thought through the details of how it could go down and what it will mean for you and the person you're telling. Coming out is a big deal, and it's not always easy to know what to expect, so use the questions below to think through your readiness for a coming out conversation.

Ask yourself...

Is it safe for me to come out (to this person, at this time, in this place)?
Am I ready to share these parts of my identity? Are there some aspects of my identity that I'm not ready to share yet?
Why do I want people to know my identity?
What do I think people's responses will be to me coming out? Will they respond positively or negatively?
Am I ready to respond to questions people might have after I come out? How can I respond if someone asks a question that I'm not willing to answer, or that I don't know the answer to yet?

make a coming out plan

Once you've decided to come out, it's time to make a plan for the big event. Thinking through some important questions and making a plan to help you prepare for all possible outcomes can make sure that it all goes as smoothly as possible, and that you're prepared no matter what happens. Use the following plan outline to help you get ready to come out in a way that works for you.

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tips for coming out

Practice coming out with someone who you know will be supportive at first.
If you're not sure how someone might react, try watching a tv show or movie with a queer or trans character with them and see how the person you're thinking about coming out to reacts to it.
You can also try to bring up a news story that has to do with queer or trans people and see how the person you're thinking about coming out to reacts to it.
You don't have to have come out to everyone in person, especially if you think they might need time to process the news before they can react in a supportive way. Think about if coming out in a text, email, or letter might work better for you or the person you're coming out to.
Have the conversation in a safe place. If you think there's a chance the person you're telling won't react well, it could be a good idea to do it in public.
Consider coming out on a long drive if you know the person you're telling will be safe to tell. Cars can be a great place for serious conversations, since there are less distractions, you're stuck with the other people in the car until the drive is over, and you won't have to make eye contact the whole time if that's something that can make you uncomfortable.
Have a safety plan in case things don't go well. Hopefully, you won't need it, but it's better to be over-prepared. Make sure you have a safe person that you can call or stay with if you need support or a place to stay.

hear more from queer & trans adults

What advice would you give a young queer or trans person who is thinking about coming out?

more coming out guides

Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Guides: lots of resources to help people with coming out in a variety of settings, to different people in your life, and for people with intersecting cultural identities
The Trevor Project's Coming Out Handbook: a comprehensive guide to figuring out your sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and gender identity, and how you may or may not want to share them with other people
The National SOGIE Center's Coming Out with Care: A Guide for Your Well-Being: a complete guide to the process of coming out, with tips for making a plan to come out, scripting conversations, dealing with reactions, self-care, and more

back to gender

coming out

what is coming out?

​

There are several stages of coming out, and not everyone will go through every stage at the same time, in the same order, or with the same outcomes. If you are in the process of coming out, which of the following do you feel most aligned with?

I feel different than my peers.

I think I might be queer/trans, but I'm not sure.

I know that I'm queer/trans, but I have to figure out how & when to tell people.

I'm telling the important people in my life that I am queer/trans.

I'm out to the important people in my life, and I only have to come out to new people I meet, including potential partners.

am I ready to come out?

​

Ask yourself...

Is it safe for me to come out (to this person, at this time, in this place)?

Am I ready to share these parts of my identity? Are there some aspects of my identity that I'm not ready to share yet?

​Why do I want people to know my identity?

What do I think people's responses will be to me coming out? Will they respond positively or negatively? ​

Am I ready to respond to questions people might have after I come out? How can I respond if someone asks a question that I'm not willing to answer, or that I don't know the answer to yet?

make a coming out plan

tips for coming out

Practice coming out with someone who you know will be supportive at first.

If you're not sure how someone might react, try watching a tv show or movie with a queer or trans character with them and see how the person you're thinking about coming out to reacts to it.

You can also try to bring up a news story that has to do with queer or trans people and see how the person you're thinking about coming out to reacts to it.

You don't have to have come out to everyone in person, especially if you think they might need time to process the news before they can react in a supportive way. Think about if coming out in a text, email, or letter might work better for you or the person you're coming out to.

Have the conversation in a safe place. If you think there's a chance the person you're telling won't react well, it could be a good idea to do it in public.

Have a safety plan in case things don't go well. Hopefully, you won't need it, but it's better to be over-prepared. Make sure you have a safe person that you can call or stay with if you need support or a place to stay.

hear more from queer & trans adults

more coming out guides

Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Guides: lots of resources to help people with coming out in a variety of settings, to different people in your life, and for people with intersecting cultural identities

The Trevor Project's Coming Out Handbook: a comprehensive guide to figuring out your sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and gender identity, and how you may or may not want to share them with other people

The National SOGIE Center's Coming Out with Care: A Guide for Your Well-Being: a complete guide to the process of coming out, with tips for making a plan to come out, scripting conversations, dealing with reactions, self-care, and more

Why do I want people to know my identity?

What do I think people's responses will be to me coming out? Will they respond positively or negatively?