romance & dating

what is romance?

In each of our individual lives, we receive messages about love and romance from our family, friends, culture, community, and society. But what actually is romance? Is romance just another word for love? Is romance friendship plus sex? There isn't a definitive answer, because everyone has their own unique experience with what romance and love are to them. Some people feel romanced when their partner says I love you or hugs and kisses them. Some people feel romanced when their partner cleans the house or makes them dinner. Some people feel romanced when their partner buys them flowers or takes them on a date. Some people don't feel romantic attraction at all. There isn't a wrong way to want, or not want, romance! For our purposes, we'll talk about romantic love as just one of the many kinds of love we can feel. It's not a more or less important kind of love than any other, but one with its own characteristics.

Ask yourself:

How do you like to express your love for other people?
Do you express your love different to family members? friends? partners?
What makes you feel loved?
How have you seen romance portrayed before? What did you learn about romance from your family? Your religion? From media like books, TV, and movies?

hear more from queer & trans adults

What does romance feel like to you? In what ways do you like to be romantic towards your partner(s)? In what ways do you like to be romanced?

platonic vs. romantic love

How do we know the difference between wanting to be someone's friend and wanting to date them? Relationships are complicated, and the difference between how we feel about someone we want to be friends with and someone we want to be romantic or sexual with can be hard to figure out. There's a lot of overlap between friendship and romance. To figure out if your feelings are platonic, romantic, or sexual (or some combination of the three), try to answer the questions below.

heteronormativity

Heteronormativity refers to the persistent normalization of heterosexual or straight experiences and relationships over queer relationships and dynamics. In most cultures, including American culture, and for much of history, straight relationships have been the only type of romantic relationship that was acceptable. Gender roles heavily informed the rules of how a romantic relationship works, setting men up to conform to one acceptable way of being in a relationship, and women to another. Queer relationships weren't considered at all, let alone straight relationships that deviated from this script. Nowadays, despite society having progressed somewhat, heteronormative ideas about how relationships should (and should not) work still linger, and can impact queer romantic relationships in some of the following ways.

Queer people are often asked to fit their relationship into straight relationship dynamics, such as identifying who is the "man" or "woman" in a relationship.
If a queer relationship defies heteronormative standards, it can be seen as less legitimate by society; for example, straight people often expect one partner in a queer relationship to act or present more masculine and the other more feminine, when in reality, queer people of all kinds can be in relationships with any other kind of person!
Queer people could experience internalized shame and internalized homophobia due to societal messages that straight relationships are the only correct way to have a romantic relationship.
Queer people may be asked invasive questions about their relationship's sexual dynamics, family structure, financial situation, and more.
The lack of queer relationship representation in media can cause young people to not know that queer people exist, or queer people as a whole to feel that their relationships are less valuable than straight relationships.

dating

Romantic relationships go by many names, and the way we talk about them changes like any other trend. Dating, talking, going out, seeing someone, going steady, hooking up — no matter what you call it, it can bring on a lot of complicated feelings, both good and not-so-good. If you're thinking about dating, you might be wondering about navigating all of the ins and outs of how to get started — let's dive in!

how to know if someone likes you

Attraction isn’t always obvious, but there are patterns you can look for. Still, it’s important to remember that you can’t know for sure if someone has romantic feelings for you unless they tell you. Guessing can only get you so far, and overanalyzing every interaction will make you feel stressed out. If you're desperate to know if your crush likes you back, the best thing to do is ask them (as long as you know it's safe to do so).

Someone might like you if...

They make an effort to spend time with you and talk to you, and they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say.
They pay attention to you and remember things you've shared with them before.
Their body language changes around you; they might seem a little more nervous, excited, or attentive.
They find ways to keep conversations going, even about random things.
They respect your identity and boundaries. Someone who likes you in a healthy way will make you feel seen and safe, not pressured or questioned.

how to ask someone out

If you have romantic feelings for someone and you think they like you back, you might be wondering how to find out if your feelings are reciprocated and if there could be a relationship in your future. Asking someone out can feel scary, especially if you’re worried about rejection or safety. It's best to keep it simple and respectful.

First, make sure that they are safe to ask out:

Have they shown respect for LGBTQ+ people before?
Do you feel safe being open about your identities with them?
Do you know their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and/or gender identity?

If you think they're safe to ask out, be clear, but low-pressure:

Try something “Hey, I really like talking with you. Would you want to go out sometime?”
- You can define what “going out” means: grabbing coffee, playing video games together, going for a walk, etc.
If it feels safer, you can ask someone out over text or call.
Give them space to respond. Don’t push for an immediate answer.
You can suggest a group outing if you feel like you'd be safer or more comfortable with some friends along too!

how to respond if someone asks you out

If someone asks you out, it can be exciting but also scary. Remember, you’re allowed to take the time you need to think before you respond, especially if you're not sure what you want. What matters most is being honest and kind, without feeling making yourself feel like you are responsible for how they feel about your response. If you need time, try a simple response, like “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

If you feel ready to say "yes" or "no", here are some ways to do so.

yes...

no...

“Yeah, I’d like that!”
“That sounds great. When were you thinking?”
If you have boundaries or preferences, include them: “I’d love to, but I’d prefer something low-key like getting a coffee.”
Remember, saying yes to one date doesn’t lock you into anything beyond that. Continue to communicate how you feel and what you want from the relationship as things go forward.

“I’m really flattered, but I don’t feel the same way.”
“I think you’re great, but I’m not looking to date right now.”
“I’d rather stay friends, if that’s okay.”
You don’t need to give a long explanation, apologize excessively, or say yes to protect their feelings.
You also don't have to come out as a way to say no, if, for example, a straight person asks you out and you're gay!

breaking up

Most romantic relationships end, and that's okay. From each relationship we're in, we can learn more about ourselves, about how to be a good partner, and about what we want in a partner. When a romantic relationship ends, it's okay to take time to feel sad and grieve the loss of that relationship. With time, you'll feel better.

how to break up with someone

Breaking up is hard, even when you know it’s the right choice. You don’t even need a reason; just wanting to end the relationship is enough.

Be honest, but keep it simple. “I’ve been thinking about this, and I don’t feel like this relationship is right for me anymore.”
Avoid blaming or listing every issue. Focus on your feelings, not their faults.
If it’s safe, do it in person or over a call. If not, texting is okay, especially if there are safety or privacy concerns.
Be clear. Mixed signals can make things more confusing and painful.
Confirm your safety. If you're not out to other people, make sure that you are on the same page about keeping your (and/or their) identity private.
Respect their reaction, but don’t make it your job to help them feel better. If you still care about them, it's natural to want to comfort them, but they most likely need some space from you, and you from them.
Set boundaries for after the breakup. Think in advance about what you feel most comfortable with. Do you want to remain friends, or do you need space? Do you feel okay with seeing their posts on social media, or should you unfollow each other for a while? If you share a friend group or social spaces, how will you navigate them? This is one of the hardest parts of breaking up, but it's necessary to figure out so you're able to move forward as comfortably as possible.

what to do if you get broken up with

Getting broken up with is never easy. You might feel sad, confused, rejected, or even relieved, and it's okay to feel a combination of these, too. No matter how you feel, your feelings are valid.

Let yourself feel what you feel. There’s no “correct” reaction.
Lean on the people you trust in your support system. Try not to isolate yourself, even if that’s your first instinct. Reconnect with people and spaces that affirm you.
Seek out comfort. Rewatch your favorite shows, listen to music that matches your mood (or uplifts it), play games, do something creative; whatever works for you.
Avoid blaming yourself or trying to “fix” what happened. Breakups have much more to do with the person who chose to end the relationship.
Remember that your identity is valid, regardless of who you’re dating.
Set or maintain boundaries. A lot of people feel pressures to “stay friends” right away, but you might need distance. It's okay to say “maybe later, but not right now”.

moving on

After a romantic relationship ends, at some point, you'll move on. Moving on is about continuing forward, not forgetting your previous relationship.

Learn from your past relationships. You don’t have to turn everything into a “lesson,” but reflection can help.
- What made you feel good in the relationship?
- What didn’t feel right?
- What would you want to do differently next time?
Are you ready to enter a new relationship?
- There’s no required waiting period after a break up before you can start a new relationship. You’re ready when you feel ready. Some people want to date again quickly, and others don’t. Neither is wrong.
- Sometimes people have "rebound" relationships when they're not actually over a breakup, which isn't fair to the person you're rebounding with. Be mindful: are you genuinely interested in this new person, or trying to avoid your feelings?
- It’s okay if new relationships feel different. That doesn’t make them worse.

t4t relationships

T4T, or "trans for trans", is a type of connection or relationship, and for some transgender people, an identity. In a t4t relationship, a trans person is dating another trans person (or multiple other trans people). Some trans people identify as t4t because they choose to date only other trans people. Sometimes, t4t is used as a way to describe mutual support of any kind between trans people.

There are lots of reasons why someone might prefer a t4t relationship. These are just some examples.

Safety: Trans people have to consider their safety when dating; if you try to date someone who is biased against trans people, you could put yourself at risk when they find out about your identity. By choosing t4t relationships, many trans people feel that they are safer from transphobia and anti-trans violence.
Understanding: If your partner is also transgender, they'll likely understand your experiences with gender and transness much better than a cisgender person would. Some people prefer t4t relationships because they won't need to educate their partner as much about gender and transition.
Attraction: Being trans is beautiful! Many trans people love the beauty of the trans experience, trans bodies, and trans partnership, and are attracted to other trans people more than cisgender people.
Shared experiences: In t4t relationships, both partners may have had similar experiences growing up, developing an understanding of their identity, and going through transition. These shared experiences can lead to a strong base of mutual understanding and respect that are foundational to romantic relationships.
Avoiding fetishization: While some cisgender people are biased against dating trans people, others specifically seek out trans people because they fetishize their body or identity. By dating or having sex with only other trans people, a t4t person can avoid this type of fetishizing partnership.

"straight-passing" relationships

Sometimes when a queer person is in a relationship that could appear to other people as a relationship between a straight man and a straight woman, people will refer to that relationship as "straight-passing". Any queer person could potentially be in a relationship like this, but they tend to be most common for bisexual+ people and transgender people. Being in a straight-passing relationship is actually one of the most common queer experiences, because there are more people who identify as bisexual+ in the queer community than any other identity!

Bisexual+ people are sometimes in relationships with people of different genders than them, but that doesn't make them straight. If a man and a woman are in a romantic relationship, they might be straight, but one or both partners could be bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or so on. Trans people can also be in relationships with people of different genders than them, and sometimes, trans people do identify as straight. But for lots of trans people, their experiences with queerness and gender give them an experience with romantic relationships and sexuality that doesn't align with a straight identity. That's why some transgender men and nonbinary people still identify as having a lesbian identity, for example; their experiences prior to their transition are so central to who they are that they can hold both identities simultaneously.

Being in a straight-passing relationship can afford you privileges in the world that being in a visibly queer relationship might not. But it can also be really hurtful to feel like your identity as a queer person is invisible. For many queer people, our queer identity is a huge part of who we are, and being told that you're passing as straight can feel like that part of yourself is being taken away or ignored. Remember, no matter who you are in a relationship with, your identity doesn't change (unless you want it to).

Conversations about straight-passing relationships tend to be the loudest when people are talking about spaces designed specifically for queer people to be in community and celebrate their queerness. For example, there is sometimes debate about bisexual women bringing their straight boyfriends to Pride, or gay men bringing their straight female friends to gay bars. As long as you and anyone you bring are respectful to the people around you in these spaces, YOU ARE WELCOME! If anyone ever tries to make you feel like you don't belong in the queer community or in queer spaces like Pride because you're in a straight-passing relationship, remember that you belong here, and there are so many other queer people who will see you for your full self and love and welcome you and your partner(s)!

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