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consent

what is consent?

Consent is more than just getting a "yes" or "no", especially in sexual or romantic situations. Consent is an active, mutual agreement to engage in certain activities, sexual or otherwise. This communication happens with words as well as body language. It’s important to pay attention to both. We all deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard in our relationships, and consent is vital for making that happen.

 

Getting consent requires us to ask, listen, and respect our partner's response. Consent means everyone involved is completely into what’s happening. Someone can not give consent if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, asleep, under the age of consent, or unable to understand you or the situation. You also cannot give consent if you are being pressured or guilted into doing so.

An easy way to remember what is required for consent? FRIES!

  • Freely given: Consent can only be given if there is no pressure, guilt, or manipulation.

  • Reversible: Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even if someone said "yes" earlier.

  • Informed: Consent can only be given if someone is fully aware of the circumstances.

  • Enthusiastic: Consent can only occur when everyone involved wants what is happening.

  • Specific: Consent can be given for some things and not others. Just because someone says yes to kissing, doesn't mean they're okay with having sex.​​

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Source: Planned Parenthood

how to ask for consent

Asking for consent might feel a little awkward, but that's okay! That awkwardness will diminish as you continue to practice asking for consent. Try to come up with some ways to ask for consent that feel comfortable and natural to you. If you have a partner (or prospective partners), you can also have a conversation with them about how they would prefer to be asked for consent for different acts.

examples of how to ask

what not to do

Fill in the blanks with whatever you are asking for consent for. Remember, consent isn't just for sexual situations!

  • "Can I (hug/kiss/touch) you?"

  • "Would you be okay if I ___"

  • "I really want to ___ you right now. Is that okay?"

  • "Would you like to ___?"

  • "Do you want to ___?"

  • "Is it okay if I sit closer?"

  • "Are you comfortable with this?"

  • "Do you want to keep going?"

  • "Tell me if you want to stop."

  • "What are you comfortable with?"

  • "Do you want to do this, or would you rather not?"

  • "Can I join you?"

  • "Do you want to come with us, or would you rather stay?”"

  • "Can I vent for a minute?"

  • "Is now a good time to talk about something serious?"

  • "Do you feel okay talking about that?"

  • "Can I borrow your hoodie?"

It's just as important to know what not to do when getting consent.

Do NOT do the following:

  • Use guilt to get your partner to say yes

    • "If you really liked me you would say yes."

  • Try to wear someone down

    • "Come on, please? Just this once?"

  • Act without asking

    • Touching without asking first​

  • Make it about you

    • "You're making me feel bad."

  • Get angry

    • "Why are you being so difficult?"

  • Bring others into it

    • "But all our friends are doing it."​

  • Bring up past encounters

    • "But you said yes last time."​

  • Punish someone for saying no

    • Giving the silent treatment or being mean to them after "no"​

  • Ignore body language

    • Continuing ​to touch after they pull back or stiffen up

saying no

Saying no can be hard, especially to someone you care about. It can be helpful to practice some ways to say no, so if and when that time comes, you feel prepared.

  • Be direct.

    • "No thank you."

    • "Please stop."​

    • "I'm not comfortable with that."

  • If it fits the situation, be kind but firm.

    • "I like you, but I’m not ready for that."

    • "I care about you, I just don’t want to do that."

    • "I want to take things slower."

  • If someone is being pushy or not respecting your boundaries, draw a hard line.

    • “I already said no. I need you to respect that.”

    • “If you keep asking, I’m going to leave.”

    • “This is making me uncomfortable.”

responding when someone says no

Even if you feel prepared to ask for consent, it can be hard to know what to do if you don't get the answer you expect. If someone says "no", here are some ways to respond.

  • Stay calm. Keep your response short, simple, and respectful.​

    • "Okay, no problem."​

    • "That's totally fine."

  • Reassure them. Make sure they know that saying no doesn't change your feelings for them.

    • "Thank you for communicating with me. I care about you and don't want to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do."​

    • "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

  • Move on. Let them dictate what's next, or offer another option.​

    • "Want to watch a movie instead?"

    • "What do you feel like doing now?"​

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© 2026 by AJ Freno, LSW

info@allaboutsexed.org

Information and resources on this site are provided for educational purposes only. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. We cannot guarantee that external resources are accurate or best practice for you or the people you support. The information contained on this site is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or prescribe any medications. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

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