support systems

your support system

Your support system is the network of people in your life who help you through all of the good times and bad. Your support system provides you with emotional support when you're feeling down, practical support like helping you financially or driving you places, and a sense of belonging through friendship and community togetherness.

Who is a part of your support system? Think about all of the different positive, supportive relationships in your life. Your support system might be made up of:

family: parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins
friendship & chosen family: queer community, drag houses, friends, QPRs
romantic and/or sexual partners
trusted adults: therapists, teachers, guidance counselors, coaches, religious leaders
pets
anyone else who makes you feel supported!

family relationships

Family relationships can sometimes be complicated for queer and trans youth, but they can also be incredibly protective when they go well. Supportive family environments reduce the rates of suicide, mental illness, homelessness, and substance use for LGBTQ+ youth. If your parent wants to learn more about how to support you, have them check out our parents page.

Even if you have a great relationship with your family, though, it might still be awkward or uncomfortable to think about having to talk to them about sex, relationships, and identity. For help with coming out talks specifically, check out our page on coming out. Read on to learn more about navigating family relationships.

immediate family

Your immediate family are the people who live in your home with you; this is usually your parents or guardians, and siblings if you have any. These relationships are central to our lives, since they're usually the only people we see every single day,
Parents are often the closest adults we have in our lives as young people. But the relationship between a parent and child is often challenging, especially if you are a young queer or trans person.

extended family

Some of us have other family relationships that are very present in our lives. Maybe you see your grandma for dinner on Sundays, your aunt lives down the street, you talk to your cousin every day, or you see your stepbrother every weekend when you're staying with your dad. No matter who you consider a part of your extended family, navigating these relationships smoothly can make your life easier and your support system even stronger.

tips for navigating family

Are there big family gatherings coming up? Holidays, birthdays, and family reunions can be extra stressful if you're queer or trans. Make a plan in advance for what you'll do if you get misgendered, asked about your relationships, or probed for information you don't want to give.
Who are your allies in your family? If you're worried about difficult conversations or reactions to your identity or relationships, make sure you know who is on your side. Talk to your family allies about your concerns in advance if you have them, and brainstorm ways that you can respond to different family members or their favorite talking points.
Who are family members you worry about? Knowing who might be less cool about your identity or values can help you avoid those conversations. Try to steer clear of whoever is most likely to cause a problem at family events.
Make sure you have an out. Talk to a parent about leaving early if you have to, take a walk with your younger cousin if you need some fresh air, or just lock yourself in the bathroom for 15 minutes for a break.
Be straightforward. If you're safe/comfortable doing so, if a family member asks you a question, don't be afraid to tell them the truth. You don't have to lie about your identity to be accepted, and if you feel pressured to lie about who you are by other people, tell the person how that makes you feel and why it's not okay.
Write your thoughts down first. Expecting a difficult conversation? Get your thoughts in order by journaling or making a list of what you want to say so you're not stuck in the moment trying to remember your points.
Get support after tough family interactions. Outside of your family, who can you go to for support? Don't hold it all in; let others know when you've had a hard time and what they can do to help you.

friendship & community

For queer and trans folks, relationships have always been a little different than they are for cisgender and heterosexual people. For LGBTQ+ youth in particular, making friends and finding queer community is a vital way of building your support system. Chosen family refers to the people in your life who you aren't related to, but who you choose to have a close bond with. Your chosen family are people who choose to love and support each other, to show up for each other in the good moments and the bad, and who see each other for their true selves. It's not a concept unique to queer & trans people, though it is often especially important for us, since sometimes, relationships change or end in an LGBTQ+ person's life because someone isn't accepting of their identity. When that happens, we have chosen family to lean on. You can have a chosen family even if you still have strong relationships with your own family, though!

You might already have a chosen family, or you might have one without having called it that! If you're looking to find or build chosen family & friendships, here are some tips to help.

Look for ways to create relationships. Visit a local LGBTQ+ center, volunteer at your town's food pantry, attend an event at the library, join a school club — the opportunities are endless.
Build connections based on shared passions. If there's something you really care about, there are other people who care about it too. Don't be afraid to talk about the things that matter to you!

Show up for others, and ask them to show up for you. When we help each other, we're showing that we care. It feels good to help someone else, and it feels good to be helped! Connections will get stronger as you learn you can rely on the people you choose to be around.
Celebrate life together. Share the exciting things that are happening in your life, and ask about what's happening in theirs. Get together for holidays, birthdays, graduations, and for no reason at all.

Angie Xtravaganza

Landon Cider

Bob the Drag Queen

drag houses & families

Drag houses and families are a way that queer and trans people have historically developed chosen family. For people who are interested in becoming a drag artist, they are often mentored by a drag mother (or father), someone who is much more experienced in the art of drag. Drag mothers act as a guide for new queens, helping them advance their drag career and acting as a stand-in family member for emotional support. Many drag families also live together like any other family!

Drag and ballroom culture have a long, rich history, deeply rooted in the experiences of Black and brown queer and trans people. Drag houses are one of the ways that we can track this history, since drag families often share clothing styles, music, and even a last name that comes from the founder of the house. Some famous drag houses are the House of Xtravaganza, the House of LaBeija, and the House of Davenport.

Want to learn more about drag (besides what you can see on RuPaul's Drag Race)?

Check out Backstage's Guide to Becoming a Drag Queen.

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queerplatonic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs) are relationships that are formed on the basis of a deep emotional bond, but are not sexual or romantic in nature. QPRs go beyond friendship; they are relationships that are central to your life, with people that you feel deeply connected to and want to plan your future with, almost like a soulmate!

The idea of QPRs came from asexual/aromantic communities, who wanted to better describe relationships that ace folks have, and disrupt the assumption that romantic relationships are above all others, and the only type of relationship that someone could plan their life around. Anyone can have a QPR, though, even if you're not on the ace spectrums; many people in QPRs even have sexual or romantic relationships with other people outside of their QPR. So how do you know if you want a QPR? You might be experiencing queerplatonic attraction if:

You have a deep emotional bond with another person. You can be vulnerable with them, you feel safe with them, and you know you can go to them for support whenever you need it.
You feel connected and committed to them. They're the first person you want to talk to when you have news, whether it's good or bad; they're who you want to spend time with more than anyone else, and if you're having a fun experience, you want them by your side.
You see them as your partner long-term. When you envision your future, they are with you for all the big moments. You want to make decisions about the big parts of life together, like where to live, where to go on vacation, and how to spend holidays.

If you think you want a QPR, as with any type of relationship, you have to communicate! Talk to your potential queerplatonic partner about their feelings and see if you're on the same page for what you want out of your relationship. Set boundaries for your QPR and be prepared to adapt and change together.

trusted adults

Outside of your family, are there any adults in your life that you can trust? Having trusted adults that you can go to when you need help and support can make it easier to deal with challenges you might be facing. Think about all of the different places and people that are a part of your life; home, school, clubs, sports, jobs, volunteering, and so on. If something happened in one of those settings, who would be the person you could go to?

at school: teachers, guidance counselors, school administrators, coaches
in extracurriculars: club advisors, coaches, troop leader, mentor
religious setting: clergyperson, youth group leader
at work: boss, co-worker, mentor
health settings: therapist, doctor, nurse

pets

Do you have any pets? The relationships that people have with animals can be incredibly important in supporting our mental health and wellbeing. Just because your pet isn't a human, doesn't mean your relationship with them isn't meaningful and a vital part of your support system! Having a pet is actually really good for you — being around animals can reduce stress and feelings of loneliness, improve heart health, and even help us improve our social and self-care skills!

What do you love about having a pet? How does your relationship with animals help support you in times of need? Don't forget to include your pets when you're thinking about who is a part of your support system!