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relationships
Relationships are a huge part of everyone's lives. Humans are social beings, and we have so many ways of connecting with each other relationally. You might not have every type of relationship in your life, but you definitely have at least one of the following:
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romantic: a relationship with someone you love or desire romantically
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sexual: a relationship with someone you engage in sexual activity with
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platonic: a friendship
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familial: a relationship with someone in your family who may be related to you
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professional: a relationship with someone at school, work, or a community organization; could be a teacher, a boss, a mentor, a religious leader, an advisor, etc.​
Every relationship is unique, and even for relationships of the same type, they won't operate the same exact way. There are tons of factors that shape how you and other people will interact with each other and the world around you.
intimacy
Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and connection we can have in an interpersonal relationship. Relationships are all built on shared intimacy, but there are many ways that intimacy can show up. The basis for your connection with someone else shapes how you'll interact with them and others in different contexts.
Ask yourself...
What kinds of intimacy do I want?
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Physical
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​What ways do I want to be touched by someone else, if any?​​
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Emotional
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​How do I want to share my feelings and inner self with another person?​​
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Intellectual
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What topics and conversations do I want to discuss and explore with someone else?​
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Experiential
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​What experiences do I want to share with someone else?​​
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Spiritual
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​What spiritual practices do I want to share with someone else?
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chosen family
​For queer and trans folks, relationships have always been a little different than they are for cisgender and heterosexual people. Chosen family refers to the people in your life who you aren't related to, but who you choose to have a close bond with. Your chosen family are people who choose to love and support each other, to show up for each other in the good moments and the bad, and who see each other for their true selves. It's not a concept unique to queer & trans people, though it is often especially important for us, since sometimes, relationships change or end in an LGBTQ+ person's life because someone isn't accepting of their identity. When that happens, we have chosen family to lean on. You can have a chosen family even if you still have strong relationships with your own family, though!​​​
You might already have a chosen family, or you might have one without having called it that! If you're looking to find or build chosen family, here are some tips that can help.
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Look for ways to create relationships. Visit a local LGBTQ+ center, volunteer at your town's food pantry, attend an event at the library, join a school club — the opportunities are endless.
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Build connections based on shared passions. If there's something you really care about, there are other people who care about it too. Don't be afraid to talk about the things that matter to you!
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Show up for others, and ask them to show up for you. When we help each other, we're showing that we care. It feels good to help someone else, and it feels good to be helped! Connections will get stronger as you learn you can rely on the people you choose to be around.
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Celebrate life together. Share the exciting things that are happening in your life, and ask about what's happening in theirs. Get together for holidays, birthdays, graduations, and for no reason at all.
drag houses & families​​​​​​
Drag houses and families are a way that queer and trans people have historically developed chosen family. For people who are interested in becoming a drag artist, they are often mentored by a drag mother (or father), someone who is much more experienced in the art of drag. Drag mothers act as a guide for new queens, helping them advance their drag career and acting as a stand-in family member for emotional support. Many drag families also live together like any other family!​
Drag and ballroom culture have a long, rich history, deeply rooted in the experiences of Black and brown queer and trans people. Drag houses are one of the ways that we can track this history, since drag families often share clothing styles, music, and even a last name that comes from the founder of the house. Some famous drag houses are the House of Xtravaganza, the House of LaBeija, and the House of Davenport.
Want to learn more about drag (besides what you can see on RuPaul's Drag Race)?
Check out Backstage's Guide to Becoming a Drag Queen.
platonic vs. romantic
How do we know the difference between wanting to be someone's friend and wanting to date them? Relationships are complicated, and the difference between how we feel about someone we want to be friends with and someone we want to be romantic or sexual with can be hard to figure out. ​There's a lot of overlap between friendship and romance. To figure out if your feelings are platonic, romantic, or sexual (or some combination of the three), try to answer the questions below.
monogamy & non-monogamy
​Romantic and sexual relationships can either be monogamous or non-monogamous. Monogamy is a relationship structure in which two people exclusively engage sexually and romantically with each other, while non-monogamy is any relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consenting to some form of sexual and/or romantic relationship that is not exclusively with each other. Some people also identify as polyamorous, a type of non-monogamy where all partners may seek out multiple loving relationships.
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In most (but not all) cultures, monogamy is the norm. The expectation that monogamous relationships are the only type that exists or is morally right contributes to mononormativity. In reality, there's nothing wrong with being non-monogamous, and way more people at least try out being in a non-monogamous romantic and/or sexual relationship than you might expect. However, like we've already said, relationships are super complicated even when they're only between two people. Non-monogamy is exponentially more complicated. If you think you might be interested in being in a non-monogamous relationship, the most important things to remember are to always communicate with your partner(s) about both/all of your wants and needs, and to be extra aware of taking steps to implement safer sex practices.​
(some) types of non-monogamous relationships
polycule
a network of interconnected relationships
dyad
a relationship between two people
triad
a three person relationship network where all the parties are romantically interconnected
quad
a four person relationship network where all the parties are romantically interconnected
open relationship
a non-monogamous relationship where both partners agree to have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time
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a relationship network including three people where there are two partners not romantically involved with one another, and a hinge partner who both are involved with
swingers
couples who engage in sexual relations with others
kitchen table polyamory
a style of polyamorous relationship in which the integration of multiple romantic relationships into one life or group is prioritized
hierarchical relationships
relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting
Want to learn more about polyamory and non-monogamy?
Check out Ready for Polyamory for education, advice, and more.